It seems a simple choice -
succumb, or overcome?
Succeed, or fail?
Winner, or loser?
The english language is riddled with dualities,
each one of them cheapening
the fascinating variegated integrity
of creation itself.
Many of us are force-fed these notions
and our mind, fulfilling it's function, digests them -
integrating yes/no understandings into our identity.
Are you fat, or skinny?
Stupid, or smart?
If you're not pretty you must be ugly,
and if you're not a 'have'
you must be one of the unfortunate 'have-nots.'
Are you good at dancing? Bad at sports? Can you sing, or not?
Do you have your shit together, or don't you?
Are you living up to your potential? Yes or no?
(Don't think negative, don't think negative, don't think negative.)
(But what if I'm afraid?)
Happy people are successful!
(Great, now I'm sad and unsuccessful.)
Truth is not an either/or,
truth is terrifyingly brave
and grievously joyful.
Life is radiantly monstrous
and perfectly, perfectly fucked up.
I have been depressed for the past 24 hours,
and in my depression have found hope unconquerable -
for it has already been conquered, has already surrendered.
I would see humanity expand,
and slip loose of all the dualistic shackles
attendant to the experience
of being consciousness incarnate.
We are a phenomenon of consciousness itself, and so innately unconstrained.
We do not succumb or overcome, win or lose.
It may appear that way to those taken in by the scoreboard's simple illusion:
"Oh well, good game... we lost."
It can be a horrifyingly ecstatic sensation, to surrender to the truths
that lie beyond the boundaries of either/or.
As I commit more and more fully to abandoning myself to what is,
something new seems to be happening.
I sense the subtle emergence of a crystalline quality in myself,
a quality that seems to suffuse everyday life with a moment-to-moment ability
to be peacefully, attentively, alertly, and contemplatively present.
I don't find it easy,
I find it a challenge to completely surrender the widely-held belief system
which insists that there's a right way and a wrong way to do,
a right way and a wrong way to be.
Often I find myself desperate for some evaluative criteria
the same way I'd be desperate for air underwater -
there is a similar sense of losing myself.
Often I race back to dualistic standards
like a child fleeing back to mom and dad -
the playground is too noisy, too confusing, too chaotic
and I don't know what to do, don't know how to play, don't know what the rules are...
at least with mom and dad I know if I'm doing it right or not.
When this happens, I can be pretty hard on myself -
I've had a lot of practice establishing unrealistically high expectations
and then berating myself when I fall short.
I find it hardest when I feel isolated.
Although I can be quite articulate here in blog-world,
in the face-to-face interactions of everyday life I'm often at a loss
when asked to speak about what I'm doing with my life.
People ask me questions like:
"What did you do today?"
"What are you working on?"
and I don't know how to answer. Once I tried saying:
"I'm intentionally outgrowing the dichotomy of polarity, because I'm utterly inspired by the vision of what humanity will inevitably collectively accomplish once we all do the same."
...and the conversation sort of stalled at that point.
I'm so utterly inspired by our collective collective potential, and I know that once enough individuals are consistently oriented in the non-dualistic consciousness of creation itself then it is only a matter of time until the prevalent, polarizing, surface-level belief systems of our contemporary global society begin to shift en masse. And as the underlying belief systems shift, as our collective consciousness outgrows the idea that there's a right way and a wrong way, then more and more people will feel safe enough to surrender to what simply is... and what is, of course, is the joyful vitality of being, the living luminosity of life itself. Our current unsustainable contemporary global society is cradled within creation itself, and the man-made systems in place only seem to be running the show. Nothing trumps creation.
Suffice to say, I'm absolutely inspired by this vision, and would do anything, would give everything, to help it come to be... and that's what I'm doing. That's my focus, that's my intention, that is the statement of purpose for my life and what motivates me every day.
The reason this post is so friggin long is because I feel really isolated in this vision, and I'm reaching out. In my everyday life here in Australia I don't have many people I can share this vision with, and this vision is why I do everything. So when people ask me how I am or what I'm working on but I feel unable to share this vision with them, I don't know what to say. I don't know how to answer, so I end up not answering honestly. I end up hiding, because I don't know how to talk about it, which means I end up feeling really, really alone.
Simultaneously I'm struggling financially, and don't know how I'm going to pay rent, much less afford a plane ticket out of the country when my visa expires in 25 days. I don't feel 'off my path,' whatever that means - I'm learning so much and I'm so incredibly blessed. I'm just really, really scared.
I know that the financial struggle only exists on the surface-level of some man-made system - I trust creation, and am demonstrating my faith daily. The root problem is feeling isolated as a holder of this vision, and feeling isolated in working towards this vision - all of my material problems feel manageable when I feel like I'm part of a tribe working towards a common goal. I need community, not money.
So I'd really appreciate hearing from you, whoever you are. Please tell me I'm not doing this alone, tell me we're doing this together. The vision of us working together and what we can accomplish is why I'm committed to this path... I need to know you're with me. I can weather all the other turbulence that comes along with pursuing this vision, but I can't bear the feeling of doing it alone.