Sometimes I'm afraid. Sometimes I feel I haven't done enough, I haven't faced everything within myself I need to face, I haven't been committed enough, devoted enough, been willing enough to face my fears.
And then I remember that whnever I'm facing my fears alone, my commitment to "facing everything I need to face" pulls me into a state of perpetual self-absorption. And I remember that that's not the point.
Life is also about listening, and being present to others. And it's about facing our fears - sitting in the fire - as well.
It's about giving, and service, and bearing witness... and it's about feeling the full fire of one's desires, the intensity of one's Truth with a capital 'T,' and moving through that heat and allowing that heat to move through us.
If I don't do that, I stagnate. It's why I am here: to evolve through that process. And I am learning to find the balance as I dance these two dances.
Because you know what, Dear Reader? The plain and simple truth is that many, many people are not interested in sitting in the fire of their full truth. They would rather stay small, and doggy-paddle through the safe, shallow waters in the kiddy-pool end of life.
And that's their choice, because their journey is their journey.
And... that's not what I choose. I choose to sit in the fire, to go through it all and come out the other side. Simply because it is my highest joy to do so. So how, Dear Reader, to find the balance in this dance of being present to others and sitting in the fire, when the simple truth is that many people do not choose to sit in the fire?
I'm not interested in dragging anyone there, or judging them for choosing not to go there.
Yet often, when I'm engaged with others and relating to others, 'stuff' comes up. Strong emotions get stirred up and stimulated, and from my perspective, an opportunity arises -
"Here's some fire! Here's some juicy goodness, game on, let's dive in!"
And while I'm hungry to explore the fertile growth-ground that has been exposed, what do the people I'm relating to choose to do?
They pass right on by. The opportunity arises, emotions are stirred up, we have the chance to step into some fiery growth together... and they choose not to. And that's fine.
What is not fine is because they choose not to, I choose not to.
Because the people I am interacting with, the people I am in relationships with, often choose to ignore the fire and continue on as if nothing happened... oftentimes I find myself playing pretend right along with them.
FUCK playing pretend. I'm not interested in it.
And... fuck judging others. I'm not interested in that either. Nor am I interested in wasting any of my energy trying to force my choice onto someone else.
So, Dear Reader, this is the balance I am sitting with in this moment.
When I choose to shy away from the fire, I experience that choice as a contraction within myself - I experience this choice as a decision to remain small.
And, whenever I judge someone else's choice or waste my breath trying to convince them to do what I want them to do instead of what they choose to do, I also feel small. I feel small because I feel myself living under the dominion of a belief system that states:
"Because someone else chooses to be small, I cannot choose to be big."
Intellectually, I know that this belief system is not true. Yet experientially, this belief system still arises - at times I experience myself as bitter and judgmental, angry at others for their choice because I allow their choice to dictate my choice.
How to invite others into a larger space of being, and love them wherever they choose to be, whether they say yes or no? How to know that I can always chose that larger space myself, regardless of anyone else's choice?
I think you just decide to do it. So here we go: I choose that greater space. No more excuses, and no more 'poor me.'
I choose to live the greatest experience of myself possible, and I choose to step into my highest joy.
I'm going to have the biggest, boldest, most dancefull lovemaking life I can possibly imagine. My voice is going to be sweet, beautiful and pitch-perfect. My body will be strong, flexible, and irretrievably in rhythm. My poems will be awesome.
I joyfully devote myself to these goals, and I rejoice whenever I 'lose it' - whenever I mess up a yoga pose or sing off-key, because it means I'm learning and coming that much closer to 'finding it' again.
And I will give, and receive, and give, and receive, and give, and receive - and be present, bear witness, and listen and support others in service to the Greater Whole, knowing that it's not about me, it's about US.
And when some fire arises and nobody else wants to go there, when I notice myself judging someone else for choosing to stay small, I will recognize that their choice does not determine my choice, and know that I do not need them to do what I want - I am free to choose to stay big and continue to relate to them from a place of integrity, even if that means stepping away from them in order to give myself what I need. Because I cannot love others, I cannot truly love others, if I allow myself to stay small.
So, Dear Reader - while I will unconditionally love and accept the many, many people in my life who choose to stay small, when it comes to you, please allow me to say what I long to say to everyone:
"Step the fuck up."
Because I love you. Not just gently, but fiercely. Because what will heal our world is not economic reform or some new political party, what will heal our world is our light. And I will sit in the hottest fire imaginable to heal our world... not because I'm some amazing saint, but just because I want to. Because it brings me joy to do it. And I want you to do it with me.
So please, Dear Reader... tell me to step the fuck up too.
Remind me that I can be big, remind me that sitting in the raw fire of our most integral inner experiences is where it's at - all the fear, pain, and grief... all the agony and ecstasy, uncensored and on full display. Remind me to support others, regardless of their choice, by slapping my across the face with the Truth and insisting that I always take full responsibility for my life and my choice.
Dear Reader, This is what I am doing for you. I am inviting you into a larger space of being, and if you choose to meet me here I will love you fiercely, and I will not be content as long as you choose to stay small.
And I invite you to do this with me. So write back, post comments, email me, and connect. Love me fiercely right back. Because doing it along sucks.
Dear Reader, we will heal this world - and it starts by getting connected, and stepping into the fire together.