firstly, allow me to plug another blog: http://chrismccombs.net/
just became a fan of this man a few hours ago, and am already deeply inspired.
i haven't written in awhile, mostly because anytime i sat down to try and compose something it felt like bullshit. it felt like the 'idea' of poetry instead of 'real' poetry, (whatever that is) it felt like a performance of truth instead of writing emerging out of clear, lived experience.
because i've been having a damn-fucking-hard time reconciling what i know to be true about the nature of reality
- the essence of me, you, and every other little fragment of god we call humanity, as well as this incredible phase-shift we are witnessing right now in all of our individual/collective identity -
and my daily life. for the past 2+ years i've had a ridiculous prayer life. i've written about it a bit in past blogs, suffice to say at some point god started ripping me open on a regular basis. the tears would come, the body would shake, the mind would try to comprehend/analyze/make sense of what was happening and utterly, utterly fail.
what this is or why it's happening, i can only guess. my best shot is that it has something to with growing pains - an expansion of consciousness accompanied by a seriously turbulent physical/mental/emotional experience. in many ways it did indeed feel as if i was growing into myself, but the only way to do that was to clear out the debris of the 'me' i thought i was, and that demolition was an incredibly confusing, scary, and spiritually intimate experience.
let's be clear: these experiences ARE clear. no drugs, no sleep deprivation, no dramatic breakups precede these god-rendings. they literally descend upon me at seemingly random times, often (and inconveniently) when i'm at work, demanding that i retreat to a bathroom stall for a hasty round of weeping and trembling before doing my best to spruce up and get back to work. ignoring these experiences or putting them off was never an option - it was either surrender to it or go insane.
i chose to surrender to it. taken as a whole, these experiences collectively constitute the most profound experience of 'truth' i have ever had. as with most truth, the mind can't make sense of it. big truth, truth with a capital "T" almost never (in my experience) makes 'sense.' does a sunrise make sense? how about the incredible upwelling of a generous love which makes you feel like you would literally die for the sake of it? god doesn't make sense, god is. and so are we, but we think we have to make sense, which ironically is why we usually don't.
getting back my personal timeline: these experiences were so fucking true that, of course, i started looking for ways to understand and explain them: cue the entrance of the 'ascension' concept. not to say i've got a handle on ascension, but here it is in brief: our world is so fucked because we've been in a super-lame cycle. negative energy has been allowed to dominate because that's the nature of the 'age' we've been in, but we've just crossed the threshold into a different age. in this new age, bullshit will be seen for what it is and our world will settle into a 50/50 relationship of so-called 'good and bad.'
(not that there is any such thing as good and bad... but we'll leave that esoteric discussion for another post.)
this inevitable 'ascension' which we are in the very beginning of RIGHT NOW will be, first and foremost, a shift in consciousness. god-consciousness, super-consciousness, meta-consciousness, the christed light, whatever you wanna call it, will be available to anyone who has the guts to claim it, anyone who has the strength to shake off their old belief systems and embrace the rocky road of the ice cream of self-transcendence. because consciousness is the point of origin for E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G (again, that merits a full post on it's own) this shift in consciousness will inevitably transform every single aspect of our world and life as we know it.
well well well! this certainly seemed to explain what was happening to me. best of all, it meant that life was about to become all peaches-and-cream. i began to look forward to being fully endowed with the mind of a buddha, the heart of a christ, and the x-ray vision of superman. game fucking on! i always knew i could do magic if i could just figure out what mind-muscle to flex...
so i swallowed the ascension 'story' as true. let me clear: i think it IS true. in fact, i KNOW it's true, the way i know the sun is alive and i'm pretty sure it knows what i mean when i throw my arms up and thank it for being so enduringly fierce and blazingly inspiring.
but here's the thing about much of the ascension info out there: it promises salvation coming from something external. whether that 'thing' is extra-terrestrials, inter-dimensionals, inner-earthians, new technologies, prosperity funds, or superhuman abilities, the overall narrative seems to be: "don't worry, it's gonna happen soon."
"it" in this case becomes whatever we want it to become: a bunch of money, no more war, aliens landing, free energy technology, etc. some event that will be too big to ignore, that EVERYONE will HAVE to take notice of, that will shake things up and catalyze some serious changes in our world. changes for the better.
1. god starts ripping me apart, weekly.
2. i think: "wtf? what's happening? what does this mean?"
3. i look into ascension and think: "that makes sense."
4. i join the cult of ascension and start following regular updates online which are highly detailed yet somehow never seem to have any relevance to my everyday life
5. i keep going to work, hanging out with roomates, and being ripped apart by god on regular basis. every new ripping seems to confirm that SOMETHING indeed is happening, but nothing i'm reading about seems to be showing up anywhere outside of blog-land.
6. at a certain point (not sure exactly when this happened) i lumped together the TRUTH of the soul-infusing god-rending with the 'truth' of ascension blog-world, and decided that because my prayer experiences felt more true (more valid, more important, more 'real') than the rest of my everyday life, i would take on the ascension story as my truth, even when it didn't seem to jive with everyday life.
this decision (it wasn't a conscious decision, and it probably didn't happen all at once) made it harder and harder for me to engage in my daily life and take effective action to make change, either in my personal circumstances in the world at large. anything that seemed to conform to societally accepted 'truth,' anything that seemed to reinforce and dualistic, fear-based paradigm which i was sure was about to disappear... (any second now)...
anything in that world was deemed 'not valid.' i ignored it in favor of the ascension story, which meant that i went into $1,000 worth of debt to a very generous friend of mine because i was too busy 'ascending' to take care of those little irritations like rent and food. it means i'm now long past overdue on the only 2 loans i've ever taken out in my life, and although one of the loans is a college loan with a ridiculous interest rate from a soulless corporate non-entity, i'd obviously prefer that i (and my loved ones) didn't get hassled by collection notices. my shifted focus meant that i slacked off on the practice that has probably delivered the most consistent results in terms of health and well-being: dancing. and it meant that, the longer i was going to work but holding myself aloof, sure that the 'system' was going to collapse any day now, the further and further i distanced myself from simply being present to what it, as it is, right now... which is the essence of pretty much any worthwhile spiritual practice.
i fully excuse myself and forgive myself for this, mostly because there's nothing to forgive (another post)... but also because being ripped apart by god is a bewildering experience, one that it's not easy to make sense of. at this point, i'm still trying to source some good information about both the consciousness-level shifts AND the more practical, material-reality-level shifts which are unfolding as part of ascension, BUT
a) i'm doing it with a lot more discernment, and
b) i'm assigning equal validity to my daily life as well.
here's what i feel i can safely extrapolate from all this so far:
a. time is cyclical, not linear. we've just kicked off a new cycle, and it's gonna be way more fun than the last one.
b. before being born this time around i chose this incarnation primarily to experience this transition. as such, my consciousness was fully on board with ascension. what i called 'god ripping me apart' was in fact ME ripping me apart, the BIG me, not the small me... the pure light of the soul roaring in and scattering the weak, paltry glow-lamps of the ego. the process was (and still is) one hell of a ride, but there's no way i'd choose anything else.
c. ascension is totally, utterly real... and it's up to each and every one of us as individuals to actualize it. less reading, more action. that action might be praying, parenting, working out, marching against monsanto, meditating, writing poetry, or quitting your job and buying a yurt.
d. unless you are a kung-fu ninja-level master of self-growth and transpersonal development, ascension is totally and completely outside of your comfort zone. whatever your individual journey through this jungle looks like, i guarantee that there will be many moments of being terrified, of feeling like you don't even know who you are anymore, of feeling like there's nothing solid or dependable to count on. this is the necessary (and necessarily painful) dissolution of any fragments of identity which would inhibit the light of your soul from blazing forth.
e. the fastest, and in fact the ONLY, way through the difficulty is to go TOWARDS whatever it is that's freaking you out. go towards your discomfort, go directly towards your discomfort. do not pass go. do not collect $200.
f. as you do this, the only way to move through the discomfort is to give FULL expression to it. don't censor yourself. this morning i was screaming until my throat was raw while tears were streaming down my face as i was dancing and doing capoeira to Darpan music. this was how i started my day, at about 7:30am. such experiences have become fully normal for me now, i don't even bother anymore with those stupid thoughts of: "but what if i'm insane?" GET OVER IT. do WHATEVER THE FUCK you have to do in, LET YOURSELF FEEL EVERYTHING in the fullness of however it feels to you. don't shut ANY of it out, because you can be damn sure that what you're keeping yourself from is, in fact, yourself. your TRUE self. what at first looks like pain is actually joy. have faith, sit in the fire, let it burn you, and lo and behold all of the bullshit will be burned away and you'll find out that what's left, everything that's TRULY you, is fireproof.
g. this process, the expansion of consciousness (and the attendant changes in our physical, astral, etheric, mental, and causal bodies as well) is ascension, and ascension = growing pains. but it's not pain, really... it just seems like that at first. actually, it's fucking awesome, because we get to find out what we're made of. (spoiler alert: it's pure, invincible love.)
...z. NOONE ELSE is going to do it for you. STOP WAITING. get off your ass and do whatever the hell you have to do to change your situation. don't like something in your life, you'd prefer something different? DO SOMETHING. that's ascension, because 90% of the global human collective doesn't like raping our planet, killing each other, or a few rich dudes stealing all the cash. can you imagine if 90% of the global population got up tomorrow and took action to catalyze some serious change? ...my brain blows a fuse just thinking about it.
so... that's it. this is me feeling fresh, with a new understanding and a re-invigorated self to boot. because i'm a poet, some poetry to cap it off, off the cuff, composed right now:
and thrash about
in your tears,
in your glory -
all your years
will tell a tale
of nothing less than love,
Nothing less than your life.
I'd tell you,
but your mind's too small
and the answer wouldn't fit.
Make space in your heart,
and let the silence held
in essence felt
mark your sacred start.