Monday, April 15, 2013

Shush. You're spoiling it.

To try and articulate the supersensible in english can feel so clumsy...
I lament my inability
to express this moment in writing.

What would I speak of?

I would speak of my heart.
I would try and describe
how it feels to be sitting here,
in Hyde Park, in Perth,
in the midst of a peaceful moment.

Having stepped out of the Theosophical Society's library
with a copy of Rumi's "Masnavi" tucked under my arm,
I found myself a tree and commenced to read.

Reading led to napping,
sleeping to waking,
waking to feeling,
feeling to writing.

The upwelling sensation
of perfect calm and delight
in being present in this life
leaves me with only one option:

It is creation itself which moves me so -
the soft dappling of sunlight
rebounding off of lakewater
and illuminating the underside of a leaf,
the silent majesty of the trees
in their exquisitely humble nobility...
the quality of other people's presence
as they move past the periphery
of my stillness
here in this park.

There is such a sweet rapture
to be found in softspoken joy,
far away from the spectacle of festivals
and the over-expressiveness of cities.

The simple harmony of uncluttered natural space -
the interplay of light, shadow and form,
the varied voices of the birds,
the inaudible frenzy of ant activity -
allows for a rich scent
of god's presence
to waft through.

I find it rare, in large groups of people,
to feel such reverence.
Especially rare, ironically,
whenever the gathering is explicitly about god.

I would prefer to watch people simply be with one other,
plainly and truthfully.
Coming together for the express purpose of divinity
can too easily become an inauthentic performance of spirituality.
(And I am more guilty of this than most.)

This quiet reverence moves me to shut my mouth
and put away my pen.

Nothing less than a lifetime of devotion
could possibly express the fullness
of how this feels.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Suffering: the Essential Catalyst

I recently came across this Eckhart Tolle quote:

"Is suffering really necessary? 
Yes and no. 
If you had not suffered as you have, there would be no depth to you as a human being, no humility, no compassion. You would not be reading this now. 
Suffering cracks open the shell of ego, and then comes a point when it has served it's purpose. 
Suffering is necessary until you realize it is unnecessary."

Upon reflection, I would word this truth differently.

Say not that suffering is unnecessary! Such a statement is too slippery, and many people may easily slide down into stagnation due to misinterpretation. As Tolle says: 

"If you had not suffered as you have, there would be no depth to you as a human being, no humility, no compassion."

Is our depth finite? Do we have a maximum capacity for humility, for compassion? Has anyone ever, will any of us ever attain the pinnacle of spiritual evolution?

Such questions are absurd. What we call 'suffering' is the pressure-cooker which transmutes us, the essential catalyst for the evolution of consciousness. As such, 'suffering' is, and always will be, a necessary ingredient for spiritual growth. 

If any readers are of the opinion that 'enlightenment' is a static state representing the epitome of spiritual evolution, well... you may as well quit reading now. The journey never ends. Not for Buddha, not for Jesus, and certainly not for you and me.

However, there is a fundamental shift at a certain point in every individual's timeline of spiritual growth, a shift which could, in fact, be seen as a cessation of 'suffering.'

It occurs when the individual has:

a) become conscious of the unsurpassed joy which accompanies true spiritual evolution

b) understood that this joy is only attainable through the uncomfortable process of 'sitting in the fire,' an experience also known as the ubiquitous 'long dark night of the soul'

and c) decided to consciously devote themselves to this never-ending process.

At this point, the experience of 'suffering' becomes something consciously undertaken by the individual in order to grow. This person has become an empowered agent in their own spiritual evolution, and now actively seeks out experiences which will challenge, test, and further 'cook' (so to speak) the 'self.'

Such a one has, essentially, become their own catalyst.

This can be seen clearly in looking at our prayers. It begins when our prayers shift away from something like this:

"Please relieve me of this pain, I can't take it anymore."

and evolve into something like this:

"Please bless me with whatever I need in order to grow."

Upon inviting, even embracing, those difficult times which we know are necessary for transformation, 'suffering' is no longer the same. It is no longer something happening to us, but becomes a struggle we have intentionally entered into so that we may relish in the sacred ecstasy of moving closer towards that which we truly are.

We have sought it out and freely chosen it, and thus we give thanks for it.

This crucial transition - from habitually moving away from discomfort to consistently going towards it - represents a critical initiation point for any genuine truth-seeker. The moment one wholeheartedly demonstrates one's devotion to an 'authentic' (read: 'real fucking uncomfortable') path of spiritual growth is the moment one becomes empowered as the primary agent of change within oneself.

It is this shift in consciousness which is currently underway throughout out global collective. In greater and greater numbers, we are learning to turn towards our own darkness, to move into that which we find extremely uncomfortable. 

This is an incredible moment in our collective spiritual evolution, for it marks to beginnings of us becoming collectively empowered as the primary change-makers within our world.


Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Choose Wisely

We are blessed with two selves
that we may learn to choose between them.

One is no self at all, but a trick -
here and gone in the blink of an eye,
and too full of itself to allow room for anything else.

The other is eternal, spacious, and empty,
with room enough to embrace all of creation.

Let us give thanks for the both!
Our false self serves as a dark backdrop
against which the light of our true self
may be clearly seen.

Every emanation from either of these two is praiseworthy,
for all of it can be seen as a compass
guiding us home.

Feel the magnetic pull of your greater truth,
and move always in that direction.

Let us cultivate discernment,
for the illusion of our small-selves
will give rise to many surface-level joys and pains.
Let us see these for what they are:
empty calories.

Soul-food with no substance,
chock-full of artificial flavors.

Such superficial nourishment does us no good,
and our tongues know the difference.
This is what we were made to do,
and why we are here...
the tastebuds of our light-body,
when properly attuned,
can perfectly distinguish the energetic source
of all of our experiences.

In every real fruit
plucked from the garden of god
there is a wholesome sweetness.
Beneath the bite of even the most sour lemon lies something vital,
some learning present for the sake of our spiritual evolution -
something which will aid us along our journey home.

Learn to taste the difference!
Sense the hidden sweetness of truth
beneath any miseries and joys alike
served up by the eternal,
and sense the flavorless artificiality
beneath the trials and tribulations
of small-self angst.

Let us give thanks
for every meal offered up
by our greater selves,
eat heartily,
and be hungry only
for such divine food.

All the rest of that high-fructose corn syrup crap
is not worthy of us.

Monday, April 8, 2013

How I see you

Captivating descriptions have a way of creeping into our memory,
coming to rest somewhere within our perception of reality
and forever changing the way we see the world.

For good or ill,
such is the power of word.

Ill-informed and hateful speeches,
said with style,
can color our perception of their intended target
regardless of how effectively our intellect
dismantles the rhetoric.

Visions of inspiration,
no matter how distant,
have the power to uplift,
and vitalize every atom
of whatever subject
poetic syllables touch.

I would like to tell you
how I see you.

I see you as space worth exploring -
dense jungle foliage at nightfall
full of whirring, clicking rustlings and murmurs,
scaring the beejezus out of me
as I push back the first layer of ferns
and put one foot in front of the other,
venturing in.

I see you as unknown territory,
potentially fatal -
full of pitfalls
and absurdly dangerous
when unaware of your own power,
a god-child in infancy
wielding the rattle of salvation in one hand
and the rattle of destruction in the other.

I see you as liquid amber slowly pooling
at the base of the tree of eternal life,
the essence of source itself
just barely beginning to stir,
to become self-aware -
to explore some of the many possible configurations
it might transmute itself into.

I see you,
through shrouds of tears clouding my vision,
denying again and again
the truth of our interconnectedness.
I see you hurling yourself
into the angry fray of delusion,
piercing your own body over and over
in a desperate, ironic attempt to ensure
that you,
and those you love,
will be safe.

I see you bathing your kin in compassion,
cleansing the skin of all those who have transgressed
with tenderness,
with forgiveness...
a restoration of dignity
and an opportunity
to wake up tomorrow
and begin anew.

I see you as potential,
raw and unformed.

We have yet to decide what it is we will do together,
and so our collective consciousness is in gestation:
taking shape
and responding to the stirrings
within each of our individual breasts.

I have seen you come together in aggression,
I have seen you come together in compassion,
and I know which vision I prefer.

I see you as the most magnificent orchestration ever conducted
by the same divine hand
whose gestures have ordered
heaven and earth themselves.
(And that's saying something.)

I see you wasting your time chasing commercials
and arguing over whose turn to change the channel,
and I wonder how long until you wake up
and join me on the other side of this dream.

I see you striving, and yearning, and aching.
I see you stumbling, drunkenly,
with pockets stuffed full of gold,
after paper-dollar dreams.

I see you,
not as many of you as I would like,
celebrating yourselves.
I see your voices raised in song
coloring the sky
and I see your perfect bodies
gleaming naked
underneath the stars.
(That's right: naked.)

I see you,
not as many of you as I would like,
confronting yourselves.
I see you gambling everything on the hunch
that there is something much greater to you
than could ever be printed on a birth certificate
and I see you emerging from that long, dark night of the soul,

I see you,
not as many of you as I would like,
risking it all to be with one another.
I see you gate-crashing the party of compassion
and embodying grace herself
in your gentle strengthening
of this web of life
which supports us all.

I see you,
not as many of you as I would like,


on those who refuse to play nice
and acknowledge our universal right to be here,
on this planet.

I see you,
not as many of you as I would like,
not waiting anymore.
I see you taking matters into your own hands.

We have already taken matters into our own hearts -
how could we not?

How could we not be broken
by the breaking of every peace treaty,
the rape of every woman,
the bombing of every 'strategic target?'

This is our body begin fucked with,
and we cannot help
but internalize
the damage being done to ourselves.

we cannot help but bear the burden
of those doing the damage,
for they are not other than us.
Our individuality is illusory
and simultaneously real,
for each of us comes as a uniquely differentiated aspect
of the one source.
And so in truth we are one,
and in truth we are many.

Having taken the tragic beauty
and glorious imperfection
of our shared world
into our hearts,
let us now begin the inevitable in earnest:
taking matters into our own hands.


I see each of us with a calling,
each of us a puzzle-piece of source energy,
each of us integral to the whole
and absolutely necessary.


I see each of us on fire with the truth of ourselves,
enlivened by us-as-life
as it flows through our veins,
each of us sharing our voice,
our dream,
our words,
our dance...
no longer waiting for permission.

I see you as a newborn colt,
standing on shaking legs
just moments out of the womb,
nosing the air to determine
which direction is best suited
for your first attempt at a gallop.

I see you as a distant bird-shadow
gliding across the surface of still water,
not quite identifiable and moving quickly
so that even as I lift my eyes to catch sight of you
I can sense you've already disappeared
into the horizon.

I see you as the stars themselves
which illuminate the sky
and draw together disparate patches of darkness
into one cohesive whole,
allowing me to gaze up
at the whole thing alltogether
and whisper:


*For my grandmother, Lillian

Sunday, April 7, 2013

...a luminous afterthought

For the past 24 hours I've been sitting with the resonance of my last post, which was a link to a youtube video titled "All Wars Are Bankers Wars." While the video does a reasonably thorough job of exposing how all of America's military endeavors (from the American Revolution up through today) have been financially motivated by an elite few at the expense of the many, something about it was not sitting right with me.

Before getting into my critique, I'd like to say that the information in this video is excellent. It is information that is not seen or heard in any state-sponsored educational institutions or mainstream media outlets in America, and so needs to be disseminated. The American people, myself included, have the absolute right (and I would go so far as to say responsibility) to educate themselves about the true motivations underlying the past and current wars our country has been/is embroiled in. Those financial super-elite who are in powerful positions need to be held accountable for their transgressions, which necessitates that we know exactly what those transgressions are.

However, I'm uncomfortable with the implications of the demonization of the so-called 'bankers.' The video adopts a fairly clear stance with regards to all members of the class of the financial super-elite, maintaining that they are greedy war-mongers who are to blame for all of America's military aggression. After some consideration, I have two responses to this.

1. Unfortunately, the responsibility does not lie solely with the financial super-elite. While it may be convenient to dump the burden all onto one group and say:

"If we get rid of them, we fix the problem!"

That is an overly-simplistic analysis. In truth, some of the responsibility for every murder, every act of atrocity, and every military misdeed lies with everyone down the chain of command, from the greedy and powerful banker pulling the strings at the top to the uninformed and manipulated soldier pulling the trigger at the bottom. We cannot forgive the soldier and lambaste the banker. It is not the same sort of responsibility, because the banker pulling the strings had clear picture of the situation and thus was able to make a more free choice, while the soldier (we can assume) was acting under the assumption that the reasons for going to war were just. However, every individual who surrenders autonomy and critical thinking and becomes nothing more than an extension of the person issuing orders bears responsibility for what happens at the end of the day. This is not me having at go at anyone in uniform, this is simply an energetic truth. Anyone who says:

"Ok, you go ahead and make my decisions for me and tell me what to do."

is absolutely accountable for their own unwillingness to take responsibility for themselves. This goes as well for the taxpayers who funded all of these wars. Again, we bear a different degree of responsibility then the puppeteers themselves, because widespread indoctrination, manipulation and disinformation have successfully tricked many people into thinking all of these wars were necessary in some way. But the same rule applies.


The 'problem' here, which resulted in all of these wars, is not the financial super-elite and their greedy, war-mongering ways. That is a symptom of the underlying problem, which is large numbers of people who are willing (many even eager) to let someone else do their thinking for them. Those money-hungry dudes pulling the strings have intentionally exacerbated this and capitalized on it by gradually institutionalizing the practice of doing whatever authority tells you. Most of of mainstream contemporary American society has been designed with the express purpose of maintaining  a population of willing slaves: people who are ready to let an external authority figure decide what should be valued, how tax dollars should be spent, and what they should think about the people next door. We are all, every single one of us, collectively responsible for our current situation. We cannot dodge responsibility by blaming the bankers who lied to us and told us we had to go to war in the first place, because it was us who did not question what we were told even as the bodies piled up. Real, lasting change will only become possible through every single individual taking responsibility and stepping into accountability. In doing so, it will no longer be possible for the few to manipulate the many.


2. The second point of unease I have with the demonization of the financial super-elite emerges from the fact that, in truth, the only thing that can ever enslave an individual is a belief system. 'Debt' cannot enslave someone, as it does not actually exist. 'Incarceration'cannot enslave someone, because incarceration is a transitory situation which exists only on this physical plane, whereas freedom is something that exists in our consciousness.

It is a debt-based belief system which holds people in slavery, not the 'debt' itself.

And likewise, it is just as easy for a prejudice-based belief system to enslave people. This is self-evident, and shows up in homophobia, Islamaphobia, misogyny, and many other forms. It can just as easily show up in bankerphobia. Believing that any one particular group of people is 'evil' will distort your view of reality and restrict you to a limited number of responses in many situations. To evolve as a collective, we must patiently and compassionately free ourselves of all debt-based and prejudice-based belief systems. It is nowhere near as simple as chucking out those in power who have pushed 'their' wars on the rest of us.


While those are my critiques of the video I posted, I do strongly encourage people to watch it. It is an incredible opportunity we have, to try and collectively transform our world. It will not be simple, and it will not be some either/or dualistic solution. It will require a nuanced understanding of both ourselves and our current situation and the tender, loving, discipline of being absolutely committed to integrating all aspects of ourselves which would constrict the flow of divine love moving through us at all times.

In order to creatively transform the large-scale ways we engage with one another, (politics, economics, etc) it will also require the a clear analysis of how we've chosen to do it thus far. That will necessitate the unveiling of a lot of information that has been deliberately obscured, hence my posting of this video.

We as a global community are faced with an amazing opportunity: to collectively re-envision and transform our world. It is my joy to take advantage of this opportunity - nothing could possibly bring me more peace and bliss than participating in our collective evolution. In the interests of that evolution, I will continue to present information that I think will help us in our evolution. I will also continue to be critical of everything, including myself to whatever degree I am able, and I encourage you to do the same: educate yourself, and question everything.

Again, it is only through large numbers of people agreeing to let someone else do their thinking for them that people in positions of power were able to abuse it. In order to evolve, in order to not be taken in by any new external belief system, we must pierce through the fog of disinformation presented to us via our state-sponsored school systems and our mainstream media, and illuminate the underlying belief systems that such disinformation represents. Simultaneously we must excavate our interior and compassionately expose within ourselves all the external belief systems we have already ingested.

There is no authority higher than that of our own hearts, and no truth greater than the truth of love.

It is my joy, my honor, and my privilege to do this work with all of you. Thank you!

Creation doesn't owe itself money

please share.

use your own discretion, i certainly don't know about the "global warming cover-up," or anything about the rise and fall of the knights templars. but the private-banking motivation behind the assassinations of abraham lincoln and JFK certainly ring true, and i learned about the Bretton Woods act from a uniquely radical professor in college.

whatever personal prejudice is in this video, it remains an excellent source of hard to find information. the world is currently held in slavery under the illusion of monetary obligation, just as before it was held in slavery under the illusion of divine right, racial superiority, or military muscle.

there is another way for us to collectively share this earth, and it begins by first taking a closer look at our current situation.

Friday, April 5, 2013

I'm with you

To all of those who responded so eloquently, so abundantly, and so warm-heartedly to my last post - thank you, thank you, thank you.

There's been a shift in me in the past 48 hours, and it has everything to do with sharing the truth of what I was feeling and feeling all you other differentiated bits of source embodied respond. I'll try to describe the shift.

A narrative many would be familiar with: an internal knowing, early on, that the vast majority of 'life' as us humans experience it was artificial, illusory, and surface-level. A knowing that the macro-level systems

- of government-run mandatory public 'education,' a legal system favorable only to those in power, an economy pushing band-aids, addictions, and distractions and a mainstream media informing us all that there's nothing we can do about it and better lock your doors and pay your taxes or else your fucked -

...were bullshit.

Fast forward to my mid-20's, and the years of silence have stacked up heavy. Not speaking out because deep down I believed what I was told about myself (that I was powerless) even though it contradicted what I KNEW about myself. (That in fact I stand shoulder-to-shoulder with creation itself.) Not speaking out because it's so massive and interconnected - how do you call bullshit on everything, not just government but the media, not just the banks but the schools, the prisons, and the military?

At 26 I took a leap of faith, and gambled everything on the bet that in fact there was something under the surface of both my and this world I live in. Without any money and not knowing how any of it would unfold, but feeling a call, I left a beautiful community, family, home, and security in Chicago and pursued a dream of coming to Australia to complete a 3-year TaKeTiNa teacher-training course.

This work is shamanic, and groundbreaking. Although there are as many ways to understand this work as there are individuals, a way of defining it that makes sense in the context of this blog post might be:

TaKeTiNa utilizes the archetypal rhythms found in nature to create (when done properly) an energetic field wherein individuals can connect to the integral energy of themselves which is always present, but too often obscured, within them.

Along the way I simultaneously questioned everything about myself, diving headfirst into the sensation I'd always felt but often suppressed: the sensation of a clear split, of a schism, between what I knew to be true about both myself and our world and what all of the people and institutions who seemed to be 'running the show' were telling us all on a daily basis.

Diving into this was a shattering experience. It left me feeling utterly insane, quite often. Especially as I was traveling alone and penniless through Australia, my internal sense of certainty didn't seem to be reflected anywhere outside of me. I was praying on a daily basis, and throughout all of 2012 my prayers became more and more intense. Almost daily I felt the presence of an unimaginably forceful energy, roaring up and through me. Often it felt as if my bones were melting. Intuitively, as this happened, I responded by energetically affirming my faith and my commitment to my path - as my body was trembling and strangely heating up and tears were pouring out of me, I held on meeting this energy with the fires of my own heart, emblazoning the truths of creation I'd always known across my consciousness for all beings to see.

This was all happening as I was moving from city to city in a foreign country, trying to survive, trying to find a spiritual teacher who could explain what was happening to me, and trying to figure out if, in fact, I was just fucking insane. Also trying to practice TaKeTiNa with some consistency because (thanks to grace herself, and all of the amazing people in my life who embody her) I'd been invited into the training.

This all kind of culminated around Dec. 21st, 2012, when for me the dividing lines between our shared external space/time, my innate knowing of absolute truth, and my wild imagination blurred and disappeared completely. After living so long with such an extreme schism in my consciousness, I finally lost a sense of balance, and ended up standing on top of a peak at the moment of the solstice on Dec. 21st, 2012, fully expecting to be magically teleported back home to my family in Chicago and endowed with a full gamut of magic powers which would allow me to manipulate reality as I saw fit and never struggle again.

... ... ...

Needless to say, no such luck. I did, however, witness the sun turn completely white, and in the moments of it's return to it's normal appearance I was in a dreamy, trance-like state. Also, despite being stranded in a remote place with no food for the night (I hadn't made a contingency plan if the teleportation thing didn't work out) as I was hiking back down I felt inexplicably light-hearted.

A few hours later I had lost my phone in a river and was desperately sticking my thumb out to every passing motorist... none of whom wanted to pick up a lone man in the middle of the night.

In the months following this experience, I gained some perspective. My prayer-life continued with unabated intensity, but I began to consciously channel the energy, feeling that if God was going to rip me apart on a regular basis I had the right use those experiences for something other than trembling and weeping. I became determined to reconcile what I innately knew to be truth with my everyday life - I knew I couldn't live with such a schism in my consciousness anymore. At the same time I became determined to distinguish innately-known-truths from fanciful-imaginings, intuitively understanding that the former emerged from my timeless, sufi/source/god self and the latter emerged from my transitory, surface/personality/ego self.

Both tasks, both the reconciliation and the distinguishing, soon became difficult. Faced with the ongoing challenge of being abroad with no financial support system left me feeling, more often than not, that speaking my truth would have to wait - finding work and paying bills should come first. Compounding the struggle was the fact that throughout my life I have never prioritized making money: I have no degree, have never had a full-time job, and have never made more than $15,000 per year... which was more than enough to support my life in Chicago, where I was living in a big shared-arts community. In other words, I found I wasn't very good at making money, and because it was only through the generosity of others that I was able to participate in the teacher-training, I began to feel worthless.

Feeling like it was only those who had money who were able to help others and make a difference led me to try to find ways to make more money, which led me to try to play by the rules of a system which I knew was fundamentally false, primarily because it defines our worth in economic terms. Meanwhile the prayer life continued, the resume became more and more exaggerated with every new job-hunt, and the schism was still present.

For whatever reason, I didn't know how to reach out, not about this anyway. I knew how to reach out when faced with smaller challenges, but this, the biggest challenge, the thing I most needed help with - affirming what I knew to be true in the face of a system that is screaming something else at me on a daily basis - ...this was too big, I didn't even know where to begin asking for help.

Eventually I turned, as always, to the only constant, infallible source of spiritual consolation and inspiration I have ever found: Maulana Jalaluddin Rumi. As before, through his poetry I began to remember that what I was surrounded by, immersed in, swimming in and moving through every single moment was not some system that seems hell-bent on destroying itself, it was the radiant truth of creation.

It was, is, and always will be, source itself. Call it God, Goddess, source, Allah, or whatever you like - the form is not the essence. We are born into, live our lives as an extension of, and in fact are not other than, the energy of creation itself.

The appearance of the 'system' of our society is just that: appearance. It's not what's going on, it just seems to be, but as I said in the last blog post: nothing trumps creation. Life does not simply flow through us, we are life, and this truth can never be removed, only obscured.

As I began to remember this and reaffirm it to myself, the need to speak about it grew exponentially. Let all doubts be consumed by this truth: we are god. Say it simply, say it laughingly, say it tearfully, proudly, graciously and wholeheartedly, but motherfucking say it, and keep on saying it till the breath passes from your lungs and soul sheds body to rise joyfully up into another level of truth.

The need to speak was growing, but I still didn't know how. And so instead of an affirmation what came out was a supplication:

"Please, someone, anyone, tell me that what I feel inside is indeed so. I need something else besides the words of a 13th-century Sufi poet to reassure me, to keep my feet firmly planted in the soil of what I know to be true."

In addition to all of the people I'm connected to directly, I was flooded with encouragement and affirmation from a massive community that my mother is very much a part of. This was huge for me, and the fading away of any lingering resistance to being a part of the 'New Age' community... resistance which I now recognize a lot to do with an egoic desire to be uniquely enlightened. New age, game on. It's not a misnomer, it is a new age, although our governments, banks, schools, armies, corporations, and prisons are slow to realize it.

As we move more and more consciously into the collective creation of this new age, everyone will understand it differently. Personally, even as I do the hands-on work of creating sustainable food-production, raising awareness about human rights abuses, embodying and modeling the possibility of living with a joyful faith, and whatever else it is I will do in linear space/time, I need to a shared sense of community which revolves around the absolute truths underlying the vision we're co-creating. I need to speak about what I experience in my prayer life, because for far too long I allowed it to be hidden away... as if a certainty that all life had innate and equal value was my guilty secret.

I know it's not as easy as rhetoric, which is why I avoided the so-called 'new age' community for so long. It's not as simple as talking about and hanging out in your own home and meditating everyday, it takes more. But what I didn't understand until I got to the end of my rope was that it also takes talking about it. When our struggles in linear space/time feel more present than the truth of our absolute and unquestionable connection to source, it takes the acknowledgment of peers and a shared understanding to remind us why we're here, why we chose to be here, and what's really going on underneath the surface.

I have been reminded, and reminded so powerfully that I am utterly rejuvenated. This post is my 'coming-out,' for what I feel now is qualitatively different than what I felt before I wrote that last post. What I felt the was a wavering faith, a big but fragile bonfire, too large to control and to disparate to burn steadily.

What I feel now is a quite candle of faith unconquerable. There will be plenty more moments of hardship, for that's part of the game - what we signed on for, and how we learn. But I have spoken my truth, out loud, something I have never dared to do before. The truths I have referenced obliquely in my poetry for years have been said explicitly, and far from the rebuttal I feared what I received in response was an enthusiastic chorus of affirmation.

From one little shiny bit of source to another, I cannot thank you enough. From this perspective on the other side I'm not sure what took me so long, but everything has it's own timing.   ;-)

With a heart full of gratitude for the truth of what is and with a will ready to work diligently towards the inevitable collective unveiling of our true nature - thank you, thank you, thank you.


Tuesday, April 2, 2013

I need to know you're with me

It seems a simple choice -
succumb, or overcome?
Succeed, or fail?
Winner, or loser?

The english language is riddled with dualities,
each one of them cheapening
the fascinating variegated integrity
of creation itself.
(I.E., us.)

Many of us are force-fed these notions
and our mind, fulfilling it's function, digests them -
integrating yes/no understandings into our identity.

Are you fat, or skinny?
Stupid, or smart?
If you're not pretty you must be ugly,
and if you're not a 'have'
you must be one of the unfortunate 'have-nots.'

Are you good at dancing? Bad at sports? Can you sing, or not?
Do you have your shit together, or don't you?

Are you living up to your potential? Yes or no?

Think positive!
(Don't think negative, don't think negative, don't think negative.)

Be courageous!
(But what if I'm afraid?)

Happy people are successful!
(Great, now I'm sad and unsuccessful.)

Truth is not an either/or,
truth is terrifyingly brave
and grievously joyful.

Life is radiantly monstrous
and perfectly, perfectly fucked up.

I have been depressed for the past 24 hours,
and in my depression have found hope unconquerable -
for it has already been conquered, has already surrendered.

I would see humanity expand,
and slip loose of all the dualistic shackles
attendant to the experience
of being consciousness incarnate.

We are a phenomenon of consciousness itself, and so innately unconstrained.
We do not succumb or overcome, win or lose.

It may appear that way to those taken in by the scoreboard's simple illusion:

"Oh well, good game... we lost."

Did you?

It can be a horrifyingly ecstatic sensation, to surrender to the truths
that lie beyond the boundaries of either/or.

As I commit more and more fully to abandoning myself to what is,
something new seems to be happening.
I sense the subtle emergence of a crystalline quality in myself,
a quality that seems to suffuse everyday life with a moment-to-moment ability
to be peacefully, attentively, alertly, and contemplatively present.

I don't find it easy,
I find it a challenge to completely surrender the widely-held belief system
which insists that there's a right way and a wrong way to do,
a right way and a wrong way to be.

Often I find myself desperate for some evaluative criteria
the same way I'd be desperate for air underwater -
there is a similar sense of losing myself.

Often I race back to dualistic standards
like a child fleeing back to mom and dad -
the playground is too noisy, too confusing, too chaotic
and I don't know what to do, don't know how to play, don't know what the rules are...
at least with mom and dad I know if I'm doing it right or not.

When this happens, I can be pretty hard on myself -
I've had a lot of practice establishing unrealistically high expectations
and then berating myself when I fall short.

I find it hardest when I feel isolated.
Although I can be quite articulate here in blog-world,
in the face-to-face interactions of everyday life I'm often at a loss
when asked to speak about what I'm doing with my life.

People ask me questions like:

"What did you do today?"


"What are you working on?"

and I don't know how to answer. Once I tried saying:

"I'm intentionally outgrowing the dichotomy of polarity, because I'm utterly inspired by the vision of what humanity will inevitably collectively accomplish once we all do the same."

...and the conversation sort of stalled at that point.

I'm so utterly inspired by our collective collective potential, and I know that once enough individuals are consistently oriented in the non-dualistic consciousness of creation itself then it is only a matter of time until the prevalent, polarizing, surface-level belief systems of our contemporary global society begin to shift en masse. And as the underlying belief systems shift, as our collective consciousness outgrows the idea that there's a right way and a wrong way, then more and more people will feel safe enough to surrender to what simply is... and what is, of course, is the joyful vitality of being, the living luminosity of life itself. Our current unsustainable contemporary global society is cradled within creation itself, and the man-made systems in place only seem to be running the show. Nothing trumps creation.

Suffice to say, I'm absolutely inspired by this vision, and would do anything, would give everything, to help it come to be... and that's what I'm doing. That's my focus, that's my intention, that is the statement of purpose for my life and what motivates me every day.

The reason this post is so friggin long is because I feel really isolated in this vision, and I'm reaching out. In my everyday life here in Australia I don't have many people I can share this vision with, and this vision is why I do everything. So when people ask me how I am or what I'm working on but I feel unable to share this vision with them, I don't know what to say. I don't know how to answer, so I end up not answering honestly. I end up hiding, because I don't know how to talk about it, which means I end up feeling really, really alone.
Simultaneously I'm struggling financially, and don't know how I'm going to pay rent, much less afford a plane ticket out of the country when my visa expires in 25 days. I don't feel 'off my path,' whatever that means - I'm learning so much and I'm so incredibly blessed. I'm just really, really scared.

I know that the financial struggle only exists on the surface-level of some man-made system - I trust creation, and am demonstrating my faith daily. The root problem is feeling isolated as a holder of this vision, and feeling isolated in working towards this vision - all of my material problems feel manageable when I feel like I'm part of a tribe working towards a common goal. I need community, not money.

So I'd really appreciate hearing from you, whoever you are. Please tell me I'm not doing this alone, tell me we're doing this together. The vision of us working together and what we can accomplish is why I'm committed to this path... I need to know you're with me. I can weather all the other turbulence that comes along with pursuing this vision, but I can't bear the feeling of doing it alone.