Tuesday, April 2, 2013

I need to know you're with me

It seems a simple choice -
succumb, or overcome?
Succeed, or fail?
Winner, or loser?

The english language is riddled with dualities,
each one of them cheapening
the fascinating variegated integrity
of creation itself.
(I.E., us.)

Many of us are force-fed these notions
and our mind, fulfilling it's function, digests them -
integrating yes/no understandings into our identity.

Are you fat, or skinny?
Stupid, or smart?
If you're not pretty you must be ugly,
and if you're not a 'have'
you must be one of the unfortunate 'have-nots.'

Are you good at dancing? Bad at sports? Can you sing, or not?
Do you have your shit together, or don't you?

Are you living up to your potential? Yes or no?

Think positive!
(Don't think negative, don't think negative, don't think negative.)

Be courageous!
(But what if I'm afraid?)

Happy people are successful!
(Great, now I'm sad and unsuccessful.)

Truth is not an either/or,
truth is terrifyingly brave
and grievously joyful.

Life is radiantly monstrous
and perfectly, perfectly fucked up.

I have been depressed for the past 24 hours,
and in my depression have found hope unconquerable -
for it has already been conquered, has already surrendered.

I would see humanity expand,
and slip loose of all the dualistic shackles
attendant to the experience
of being consciousness incarnate.

We are a phenomenon of consciousness itself, and so innately unconstrained.
We do not succumb or overcome, win or lose.

It may appear that way to those taken in by the scoreboard's simple illusion:

"Oh well, good game... we lost."

Did you?

It can be a horrifyingly ecstatic sensation, to surrender to the truths
that lie beyond the boundaries of either/or.

As I commit more and more fully to abandoning myself to what is,
something new seems to be happening.
I sense the subtle emergence of a crystalline quality in myself,
a quality that seems to suffuse everyday life with a moment-to-moment ability
to be peacefully, attentively, alertly, and contemplatively present.

I don't find it easy,
I find it a challenge to completely surrender the widely-held belief system
which insists that there's a right way and a wrong way to do,
a right way and a wrong way to be.

Often I find myself desperate for some evaluative criteria
the same way I'd be desperate for air underwater -
there is a similar sense of losing myself.

Often I race back to dualistic standards
like a child fleeing back to mom and dad -
the playground is too noisy, too confusing, too chaotic
and I don't know what to do, don't know how to play, don't know what the rules are...
at least with mom and dad I know if I'm doing it right or not.

When this happens, I can be pretty hard on myself -
I've had a lot of practice establishing unrealistically high expectations
and then berating myself when I fall short.

I find it hardest when I feel isolated.
Although I can be quite articulate here in blog-world,
in the face-to-face interactions of everyday life I'm often at a loss
when asked to speak about what I'm doing with my life.

People ask me questions like:

"What did you do today?"


"What are you working on?"

and I don't know how to answer. Once I tried saying:

"I'm intentionally outgrowing the dichotomy of polarity, because I'm utterly inspired by the vision of what humanity will inevitably collectively accomplish once we all do the same."

...and the conversation sort of stalled at that point.

I'm so utterly inspired by our collective collective potential, and I know that once enough individuals are consistently oriented in the non-dualistic consciousness of creation itself then it is only a matter of time until the prevalent, polarizing, surface-level belief systems of our contemporary global society begin to shift en masse. And as the underlying belief systems shift, as our collective consciousness outgrows the idea that there's a right way and a wrong way, then more and more people will feel safe enough to surrender to what simply is... and what is, of course, is the joyful vitality of being, the living luminosity of life itself. Our current unsustainable contemporary global society is cradled within creation itself, and the man-made systems in place only seem to be running the show. Nothing trumps creation.

Suffice to say, I'm absolutely inspired by this vision, and would do anything, would give everything, to help it come to be... and that's what I'm doing. That's my focus, that's my intention, that is the statement of purpose for my life and what motivates me every day.

The reason this post is so friggin long is because I feel really isolated in this vision, and I'm reaching out. In my everyday life here in Australia I don't have many people I can share this vision with, and this vision is why I do everything. So when people ask me how I am or what I'm working on but I feel unable to share this vision with them, I don't know what to say. I don't know how to answer, so I end up not answering honestly. I end up hiding, because I don't know how to talk about it, which means I end up feeling really, really alone.
Simultaneously I'm struggling financially, and don't know how I'm going to pay rent, much less afford a plane ticket out of the country when my visa expires in 25 days. I don't feel 'off my path,' whatever that means - I'm learning so much and I'm so incredibly blessed. I'm just really, really scared.

I know that the financial struggle only exists on the surface-level of some man-made system - I trust creation, and am demonstrating my faith daily. The root problem is feeling isolated as a holder of this vision, and feeling isolated in working towards this vision - all of my material problems feel manageable when I feel like I'm part of a tribe working towards a common goal. I need community, not money.

So I'd really appreciate hearing from you, whoever you are. Please tell me I'm not doing this alone, tell me we're doing this together. The vision of us working together and what we can accomplish is why I'm committed to this path... I need to know you're with me. I can weather all the other turbulence that comes along with pursuing this vision, but I can't bear the feeling of doing it alone.



  1. You aren't alone in this approach, there are certainly a few more of you/us out there. Stay honest and strong and keep practicing! There's not much else to say than this. Thanks for the inspiring words


    1. :-) Thanks Craig... that's exactly what I needed to hear. All the best to you.

  2. Hi Ryan, I came across your blog via peaceful Simon's shared link on fb. We did a few peaceful warrior sessions together last year if you remember? Thanks for your words, I resonate with what you've written, and felt compelled to write. I too believe deeply in the creative potential of humanity. I also believe that the more we stay true to ourselves in our daily lives, our purpose, what we love and live for, the closer we all move, evolve and expand, together, collectively, towards love, unity. It sounds like you've got some significant challenges at the moment, stay true to yourself, find courage in an open heart, I'm sure the pieces of the puzzle will come together. All the best, love 'peaceful' Angus :-)

    1. Peaceful Angus! Of course I remember, thank you for your words. It's such a deep joy, to reach out and ask for support by speaking about what I'm living for at the deepest level, and to have people like this. I hope you're doing really well.


    2. Dear Ryan,

      There are so many of us out here with the same dichotomy of feelings that you have so eloquently expressed. I have been in the midst of hanging on by a thread for the past few months and what looks like "reality" gets worse and worse. I am losing my home, have big medical bills and owe thousands of dollars. But you know what? So many people are in my life who love me and tell me so. Thank you for reaching out because, my friend, I love you, and I know that we are ALL going to celebrate these days once they are past and once we understand the true meaning of them. Perhaps compassion for one another is part of our gift. Please, hang on. Day by day we are each getting by. May the Universe bless you each day.

  3. You're not alone, brother. ;)

    1. Then bring on the journey, that's all I needed to hear ;)

  4. Ryan dear, perhaps I'm in a similar situation doing a theater training in Denmark right now... Isolated from friends and "tribe." it makes me realize how much of the world are going about things in this serious, "professional" way, ignoring the life, the fluttering vibrant green wings that are only here right now. Can I even break it all open with laughter! How does the work become the play? I just try to let my emotions sing, not hide for any one, bring what may be reserved for the stage into all daily presence. Thanks for your words. They made me feel companionship in this strange journey. Love to you

    1. Love to you Az. This blog was the breaking-point of my 'hiding,' in some ways... i'm so inspired by those who don't hide. thank you! grateful for your companionship, we need each to change the world. you mentioned breaking it all open with laughter: http://youtu.be/IQUg75Q_t1c :-)

  5. This just shared from Heather Ann Tucci-Jarraf:
    [2:00:21 PM] Jarrafusa: "Suffice to say, I'm absolutely inspired by this vision, and would do anything, would give everything, to help it come to be... and that's what I'm doing. That's my focus, that's my intention, that is the statement of purpose for my life and what motivates me every day."

    [2:00:24 PM] Jarrafusa: ABSOLUTELY

  6. And this from Brian Kelly:
    [2:12:27 PM] brian kelly: I see the apple has not fallen far from the tree... please let your son know IAM with him as well

    1. as long as we're together, then let the journey continue


  7. Ryan, I saw this post on AK's website. You are never alone! We are ONE. We are with you! I can certainly understand your struggle with isolation. I have attempted many times, to multiple people, to explain what is going on. To wake people up. This hasn't worked very well so far, so I usually spend much of my education and work in isolation. But it is the vision that we hold that continues our efforts. It is the collective vision that feeds our hunger for change. The nourishment that fosters the growth we strive for. I am reminded, daily, that we are making wonderful amazing progress! We are ALL parts of that change. Keeping going, Love!

    1. Thank you Sheri! knowing that the vision is shared makes it a joy instead of a struggle. <3

  8. Ryan - you're not alone, it just feels that way, you're out front, finding the way back home, you're there hun, you're there, we're right with you, we just can't all see each other yet.


    1. Starting to see more of each other, i feel this morning... thank you. <3

  9. Not alone Ryan! I am with you and my son is with you as well...His name is Jan.

    1. Thanks to you, and Jan. All the best to both of you!

  10. Ryan you are not alone! Love what you wrote! we are many!! We are ONE! Most of us are in the same boat! Read this on your Moms blog!
    Although I cannot help you directly but Ill give my contact info, I can try a couple of options! pete_lysohirka@hotmail.com or pete_lysohirka on skype
    Love you Brother!

    1. thank you... looking forward to rocking this boat we're in with you.

  11. Thanks for beautifully writing that Ryan! I am with you <3

    1. Hi Cathi, I was just thinking about you yesterday! Thank you. <3

  12. Ryan, you are an inspiration! You articulated so precisely what I have been feeling here on the Gulf of Mexico in the Florida Keys. Through your call I heard myself and you and all of us and had an experience of connection, not just a realization. We may feel alone at times, but we are not. And that is part of this transition. So, because of you, I don't feel alone anymore.

    Thank you deeply!

    1. Thank you, friend... I feel so much less isolated now. By staying silent, I was allowed myself to be complicit in the disillusioning and remain disconnected - the disconnect was breaking me. the response from other vision-holders around the world has restored me, and refueled me to continue the journey.

      we're in it together.

  13. Ryan,
    Just remember
    (And that's what seems to be happening now anyway)
    For all of our doubts and fears
    We are, in fact, at peace.
    For all of our labors
    We are at rest.
    For all of our many
    We are truly one.
    For all of our journeys
    We are always
    And this, then, is the ultimate paradox, the final mystery.
    That life continues to unfold.
    Moving outward with increased complexity into infinite possibility.
    And,yet, at the same time,
    Everything is absolutely perfect.
    And finished.
    And complete.
    In every single moment.

    Much love to you for sharing your moment of now.

    1. Jim, i'm left with so few words to respond to your generosity. it's the silence of deep gratitude that perfectly balances the silence of fear that, for so long, prevented me from giving voice to a vision that didn't seem to fit anywhere.

      the poem is perfect.

  14. Ryan,

    Please trust that you are never alone. The universal consciousness loves you. Every human being is here to experience the beauty of living. Unfortunately, many have forgotten how to do so, but there are also many who live true to themselves. Like you, I'm a seeker. As a seeker, we are always open to discovering new truths. In the end though, it's all about Love. Delight in knowing that everything is connected, is indeed the same! How could we feel alone when we remember this? I too am experiencing financial struggles because of the choice i made to follow the path that's in my heart. However, at the end of the day, I can feel as though I'm living true to myself :)

    with love and well wishes,


    “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
    and rightdoing there is a field.
    I'll meet you there.

    When the soul lies down in that grass
    the world is too full to talk about.”


    1. <3 thank you jackie... that poem elegantly and succinctly says so much of what i was trying to say. thank you for being true to yourself, and inspiring me to do the same.

  15. Beautiful, beautiful Ryan,
    you have never been alone.
    With love xxxx

    1. Truth. Cradled by creation itself, and the illusion can still be strong sometimes... the tangible sense of a shared vision, the arms of other embodied differentiated aspects of source hugging 'me' as i hug 'them...' this makes life such a joy. thank you. <3

    2. Do I want to come out of hiding to comment? Hmm. It takes a village...(sigh). So..I cannot contribute dollars..but, I can contribute experience of being the strange; the odd-ball; the only person around who is considered so weird that I am told never to say the things I say, or I could get locked up. That was before new age and quantum physics.

      I was born..alone..but not by myself. t
      I was surrounded by others..alone..who thought they were by themselves.
      I thought that the "adults" were suppose to know everything so when I asked them questions to validate what I "knew" to be true and they told me, "I don't know", I thought they were lying to me.
      I was afraid, then, because I thought I was alone in this world where no one loved me, but said they did, and no one wanted me really, but fought over me like a bone a dog chews on.

      I was alone, But, I was by myself.

      I can see people's motives and I can see their manipulations to get what their individual upbringing and our society teaches and expects them to chase. They do NOT understand what or why they are behaving the way they are.

      I can mentally get into a car with a family I have never met and go with them to their destinations..and they believe they are alone. And yet, I am there with them, by myself.

      I have had to learn several versions of speaking "english" to different types of communities so that people wouldn't look at me with that blankness that tells me they did not understand a word I just said...oh dear one..please tell me that I am not alone on this planet! But I am by myself and I hear that I must learn another way to say the message I am delivering.

      The world will always be seen through YOUR CHOSEN BELIEF SYSTEMS. If you believe in duality...like most people do on this world..you will experience duality. If that makes you feel alone just because you don't have other people all around you..Okay! But know that you are BY YOURSELF and can never BE alone.

      In fact, the only time in my entire life I actually felt ALONE was when I was standing in a subway car in NYC and there were so many people in that car until my feet were not touching the floor...that is packed and I suddenly understood what people meant by the word, ALONE.

      But, what saved my sanity was the "knowing" that I was by MYSELF.

      I don't know what your particular circumstances are. I check out AKs' blog because it is interesting to me and came across your poetry. Ordinarily, I would have passed it by without a word because everyone likes to talk about Love and Light and all the things we wish this world would develop and I think it is beginning to make great strides in the correct direction.

      But, from my perspective as I sit ALONE in my "free-loading" retirement (that I worked Hard for for 66 years)LOL, I am moved to remember that it takes a village to raise the young. And Young Man, Your MOMMA did not raise you to think for one minute that YOU ARE ALONE if by no other
      method than osmosis.

      I understand that she is a channel...What part of being "by yourself" do you NOT understand?

      I love you, always!
      Your other and Unknown Grandmother from the village. =o)

      P.S. I am also a reiki "master" with a whole string of other credintials I could play at being. So Change your thoughts and turn what you want into a simple litte "ditty" song and sing it to yourself when you feel alone. You are by yourself! Enjoy! =o)

    3. :-) thank you, other and unknown grandmother.

  16. Ryan, thank you so much for the courage and honesty in your words. I hear you! I see you! I feel you! I've been living like a ghost in the in-between for most of my life... waiting for others to hear me, see me, feel me, or just for someone like you to come along and shout it out too - with passion, as you have done so beautifully. This is what it takes - a clear and strong "this far and no farther", and a passionate desire to re-create anew. Thank you for adding your beautiful voice to the growing chorus. You answered my latest prayer: http://adaptingtograce.com/2013/03/15/i-pray-poem/ (Nice to meet you Ryan.) There are far more of us than we are presently aware, but they are coming. Much love to you. ~ Eileen

    1. Thank you, Eileen. I read your "My Story" page and, for the first time, saw someone else who is alive today describing what I've experienced. The presence, being brought to my knees, the ecstatic weeping... I've been studying whatever of Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi's writing I can get my hands on, because as far as I can tell his experience of the divine parallels my own almost exactly. Yours is also very, very close to mine. Thank you for sharing, both here and on your website. It means more than I know how to say.

  17. “I first believed without hesitation in the existence of the Soul and then I wondered about the secrets of its nature;

    I persevered and strove in search of the soul and found at last that I myself was the cover over my Soul;

    I realised that what in me which believed and that in me which wondered, and that which persevered in me and that which found, and that which was found at last, was none other than my Soul;

    I thanked the darkness that brought me to the light and I valued the veil which prepared for me the vision in which I saw myself reflected, the vision produced in the mirror of my Soul;

    Since then, I have seen all Souls as my Soul and realized my Soul is the Soul of all and…

    What bewilderment it was when i realised that I alone was if there were anyone !

    That I am whatever and whoever exists and that I shall be whoever there will be in the future;

    And there was no end to my happiness and joy;

    Verily I am the seed and I am the root and I am the fruit of this tree of life”

    Words of a sufi seeker.

  18. All of us finding our way, now. Each day we come closer to that truth via our Higher Self. Trust in that. We are there already, in a way. Just shaking off the dross, if you will. Eons of dross. Stay strong and courageous and never give up. With love.

    1. already there in the timelessness of the eternal "now" and simultaneously evolving in the movements of linear time day by day. even as i feel isolated, even as i feel downhearted, there is the presence of a subtle and ineffable joy which i can only assume emerges from the inevitable reconciliation of our form in linear time/space with our essence in nonlinear nontime/nonspace. :-)

      i will stay strong, i will stay courageous, and i will never give up. thank you!!

  19. Thank you for sharing what so many of us are experiencing! It has been the hardest, most isolating, confusing, exhilarating, joyful, awful, splendid life. We are not alone. Much love to you!!!

    1. yes! well said suzy. all of that, and so much more. love to you, thank you!

  20. In your previous post you ask " just be with me". One of the hardest experience I have ever had, is to "be" with another person. A stranger. Sitting face to face, nose to nose, looking eye to eye without speaking for 5 mins.

    It was uncomfortable, awkward and extremely hard to do. I noticed myself starting to get restless. Biting my tounge not to speak, wanting to break the silence between myself and this stranger. I so wanted to Start a conversation.

    What I experienced is that although I didn't know the story, I knew the pain. I knew the joy. No words were spoken and yet I knew who this stranger was.

    We don't need to fix each other. We need to "be" with each other. Not an easy task. After all these years I know how important it is to listen and yet I am challenged to remain silent.

    I appreciate you allowing comments. Not many blogs allow it anymore. Thank you

  21. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7k0a5hYnSI&feature=youtube_gdata_player

    Live your life with arms wide open :)

  22. So many of us are in the same boat, our hearts wide open, ready and willing to serve this amazing alive presence awakening moment by moment, and yet stumbling over the every day stuff that keeps floating to the surface. I see us all as points of light in a vast grid across the globe, and I FEEL you even if I cannot see you. We are as close as our next breath, can you sense it?

    I am here in Costa Rica, holding the space for all my brothers and sisters until they too sense this expanding wave of Oneness sweeping the world.

    Surf the wave, my friend, it will carry you without fail.

    Peace 2 U All Ways,

    1. yes... i can sense it. the release of writing this blog and the incredible response represents an important shift for me - integrating the doubts, the parts of me holding back and saying:

      "But really, are you sure?? Is this REALLY what's happening, or are you just living in a fantasy?"

      ...integrating those parts of me into a newfound, quite kind of faith, a smaller and hotter fire, with flames that wavering less and burning more steadily, more brightly, and more precisely: a pin-point sort of dedicated focus on the vision of our collective conscious evolution. i think i needed to voice all the fear and be heard, and because of the openhearted response from the tribe, now i feel ready to get about the work we're here to do in a quieter way.

      Lol... ironic that my 'quieter way' begins with loquacious response to you. :-)

      Thank you suzen! peace and blessings to you as well. Feel free to share, plagiarize, and proliferate whatever you like.

      one love,


  23. Hi again, would it be OK if I linked to this post on my blog? emergandsee.blogspot.com
    It speaks to what so many are going through and I would like to share it.

  24. A very wise man, a tantra teacher, once told that the single most important thing for a man is to have a mission or, in your case a vision. He also said that it is so important that if you don't know what it is and you are ready to find out you need to lock yourself in a room with only a jug of water to drink, only getting up to go to the toilet and sit quietly until you know what it is. A wise woman also shared on this topic and she said if you have a list of interests and no clear mission then write all of your interests down on a page and choose the one the makes you cry.

    It is very rare in my life that I comes across another persons mission that makes me cry (with joy beauty and ecstasy) but yours always does. And I think this is because it is so similar to mine though mine is more rhythm and music specific. These days I am really getting off on the power of presence and happiness as a positive influence and catalyst for change in ones contemporaries, family, friends and anyone one comes in contact with.

    In the near future I am going to be blogging myself on music, musicians, spirituality, connectedness, selflessness and tools for combining all of these things. Because I also need community to bounce these ideas off and with.
    Your not alone brother.
    Keep fighting the good fight your a fucking great inspiration.

    1. Thanks George... the inspiration is totally mutual. Funny how it can be a challenge to speak authentically about how life feels on the inside, in the fullness of all it's intensity. I'm interested in celebrating the full spectrum of what it means to be alive and here together; I sense you are too.

      I look forward to getting a peek at your process via your writing.